Lancaster First United Methodist Church
Luke 6:32-38
April 18, 2010
Rev. Cheryl Foulk

“Big Questions: How Can I Forgive?”

When I was a young girl, the original ‘Shaggy Dog” movie came out. I had my heart set on seeing this film; I talked about it all the time. My older sister was going to see it with her friends and I assumed that I was included. However, the afternoon that they went, I was not invited. I stayed outside a long time that afternoon, and cried. How could they not take me along? !! This is one small memory of a disappointment in childhood. We all have these memories of times when we felt hurt, ashamed, betrayed, abandoned, even unloved. Some of these events are of no consequence now; others made scars that run much deeper. We all have the past to deal with.
Most scars have healed, others have not.

What do we do with all those memories, all those events, and the people who were part of them?

This leads us to the Big Question of our sermon series: How can I forgive?
God has modeled for us an option: every day, we are forgiven by God for our wrongs and included in his grace.

Additionally, God has offered us a gift: the gift of forgiving each other.
Jesus said” In this world you will have trouble; take heart, I have overcome the world.” Forgiveness is a way of overcoming the effects of trust being broken.

To practice forgiveness is crucial to our own wholeness. Jesus encourages us to forgive and he tells stories about forgiveness. He speaks of forgiving those who are against us, our enemies; praying for those who have hurt us, even doing good to them. Even more than teaching, Jesus practices forgiveness with his own friends who abandoned him at his death. He does not turn away from them or seek revenge. I believe that forgiveness is a decision that we can make: we can choose to let go of a past wrong.
You may be thinking: forgiveness is alright for Jesus, it looks good on paper, and gives stories happy endings, but in real life, how can we truly forgive?

I was told once: “I have hated this man for 20 years. How can I start forgiving him now?” It is a great dilemma if we have been carrying the pain for a long time, and resentment has become part of us. The pain influences our outlook. However, to not forgive has its consequences on our lives.

There have been many scientific studies done on forgiveness in the last ten years, which is probably a reflection of the conditions of our world.
One study was done at Virginia Commonwealth University and East Carolina University. A student volunteer came to the lab and was observed as to vital signs. The volunteer was asked to recall an incident from his past when he was hurt. As they related the event, their blood pressure rose, heart rate increased. For those who still had much animosity towards the person, the readings stayed elevated. For those who had begun the work of forgiveness, who did not have the animosity, the readings went down quickly to a normal level. There are physical effects to unforgiving.
There are also emotional and spiritual effects of continuing to respond with resentment, bitterness, hate. Events can have continued power over us for years. Even though it can be difficult, I know of no other remedy that can heal the past as forgiveness.

What are some of the boundaries of the forgiveness process?:
• There is an admission in myself that I was hurt by someone.
• There is a recognition that damage was done
• The wrong is not condoned or excused
• Others are held accountable for their behavior
• Forgiveness doesn’t mean that the wrongs are to continue ; it is not a signal
• that we are willing to put up with more harm towards ourselves

The “how” of forgiveness, the process, has been practically and simply explained in the book, The Art of Forgiveness, by Lewis Smedes, published in 1996. His book has been helpful to me in my understanding of forgiveness. For him, forgiveness gives us a new way of looking at this person and at the past. Smedes has three guidelines:
When I relate to this person that has hurt me,
• I see someone created by God, another imperfect human being
• I give up my right to revenge: I will not speak badly of them, desire harm to come to them, or laugh at their misfortune
• My desire is that the person will be blessed
This is the simple heart of forgiveness.

We can see how these three elements play out in a powerful story of forgiveness in the Old Testament. The story of Joseph and his brothers is told in Genesis. Joseph was next to the youngest son, and favored by his father. There was great rivalry, tension, and jealousy within the family. The breaking point came when the brothers sold a teenage Joseph as a slave, the option chosen over outright murder. They had no idea what would happen to him, or the horrors he would have to face. Twenty some years later- there is a reunion of Joseph with his brothers. What does Joseph see when he looks at these grown men? Betrayers, cold-hearted abusers, liars, cowards, traffickers. He also sees that they are his brothers, sons of his father. They are more than what they have done. Joseph sees his brothers as created by God, does not seek revenge upon them, and wants them to be blessed in their lives.

How is this possible? Through the gift of grace that comes from outside ourselves, we are able to see this person (people) as God sees them.

In Belfast, Ireland, there is a program in the schools to help the children learn about forgiveness in the context of the great struggle there between Protestants and Catholics. In one exercise, a child shares about a time when they have been hurt. They then put on “forgiveness glasses” and look at the person again and see if they can see one good thing in them. We too have a need for that “forgiveness” vision that sees the person beyond what they have done.

Forgiveness could happen overnight, or it can be a long process. It may be a lifelong endeavor. Forgiveness can’t be hurried. It has been said that “the deeper the wound, the longer the journey.” We may need to work at it every day; we may need help from a friend, counselor, pastor, doctor to grow in forgiveness.

Forgiveness is your response in your heart to what has happened. Forgiveness can occur even if you don’t tell the other person. Circumstances may not permit it; the person may no longer be living. Forgiveness is the lifting of the burden that you carry.

Forgiveness cannot be forced. It comes at its own time, in its own way. It may be a victory for some of us to just consider the option, to even hear the invitation: Have you considered forgiving this person?

Our initial answer may be “Never…no way…not going to happen.” As time goes by and grace continues to work in our hearts, we may answer “someday.” And the “someday” through the nudging of the Holy Spirit may become “today.”

This is a story of a mother and her daughter Jennifer who had a difficult relationship, even as adults, with lots of anger and friction between them. This uneasy situation was never discussed, or attempts made at resolution. Jennifer’s mother was nearing the end of her life and one day they had a discussion at the kitchen table. Jennifer’s mother expressed that things had not been good between them; anger had been passed down in the family.
Her mother wanted things to be different. Together they shared, in the best ways that they could, the disappointments and yearnings they both had felt. They were beginning to really see each other after all these years. Jennifer wrote this about that experience:

Jennifer: “Here is what I know. My mother died three and a half years ago and hardly a day goes by that I have not recalled her words to me and mine to her…Every day I recall the responsibility I bear. If the anger and hatred is in fact to stop with me, and my son is to be free of it, I am the one who must stop it…To begin to forgive her. And in a deeper way…I begin to forgive myself. I now know there is no longer time enough to be any other way.” (The Four Things that Matter Most, page 56)

How can I forgive? This day I can search my heart. I can acknowledge God’s love and mercy for me. I can decide to forgive someone else; I can decide to forgive myself. I can pray for new vision. I can begin to find freedom. I can have hope for the healing of the past. I can enjoy this new day. I CAN FORGIVE.

May Christ’s mercy heal you, his compassion guide you, and his strength sustain you always.